The Damages of Hegemonic Masculinity in Desirability

In today’s world, it’s no secret that femininity tends to be valued less than masculinity. We have an entire women’s movement dedicated to (white) (cis) women’s equality and justice, dictating that the future is female and women will not be oppressed. While many of these (white) (cis) women wrongly equate womanhood with femininity and vaginas, they do, however, question the value of feminine traits in our society. Regardless of sexuality, desirability is highly based on the gender binary and people’s gender performance. Masculine men and feminine women tend to be more desirable. Also considering feminine oppression within the gender binary, femme-identifying and -expressive people including cis, trans and gender non-conforming (GNC) folks tend to experience a lot of backlash based on their perceived feminine traits. I first came out as gay and 4 years later as GNC. I tried to hide the feminine parts of myself for years because I had a deeply engrained understanding that feminine men are less desirable than masculine men. I say “men” referring to how others read my body as male and how I usually pass as a man with a more feminine expression. I face obstacles with many people, but especially when I communicate with queer cis men. I’m not alone either, spaces inhabited by trans-femmes and GNC folks but dominated by queer cis men have femmephobia and transmisogyny written all over them.

Example: Grindr

 

Gay dating and hookup apps like Grindr allow spaces for queer cis men to interact with each other and dominate space with masculine appearances and behaviors. Personal bios often have descriptors such as “masc4masc” or “fit dudes only” so cis queer men can sift through profiles with bland and superficial criteria faster. About 3/4 of gay cis men are turned off by feminine men, and almost half think feminine men are bad for the gay community’s “reputation”. More feminine individuals such as myself feel excluded because cis queer men either ignore, block, or fetishize us as “submissive crossdressing trannies.” Very rarely do we experience interactions in which more masculine queer cis men desire us as they do other queer cis men. When we are all raised in masc-dominant culture, femmes too have internalized femmephobia that we have to battle to simply accept ourselves. Spaces like grindr make that fight even more difficult when we add cis ‘masc’ men to the mix.

Queer cis men are not the only people to blame in this horrible treatment of femmes, nor are they the source of femmephobia. Heterosexual cis men, and trans men as well, perpetuate a standard of masculinity and manhood that defines what men should look like. This, in turn, teaches queer men how they should aspire to act in order to be acceptable to society and blend into patriarchal dominance.

I know I’m not the only “man in a dress” who’s been made fun of for my extravagant gender performance. I also know that trans and GNC people have existed for millennia, yet our visibility today is still resistance. I police my gender expression all the time because of the lack of desire and attention I receive as a GNC, makeup-, heels-, and women’s clothes-wearing individual. I have to constantly choose between appealing to these “masc4masc” bro-type men or expressing how I more genuinely imagine my identity. Every day I take less time getting ready and more time deciding if I can take feeling lonely, isolated, and undesirable. The daily struggle of choosing how to wear my gender and how to be desired is messy, complicated, and something I should never have to do. It’s a daily boxing match: gender dysphoria vs. romantic/sexual isolation. On one hand, if I choose gender dysphoria, I perpetuate the cycle of allowing hegemonic masculinity to prevail (not to mention the part where I dislike my presentation and body anyway). On the other hand, if I choose to present my body comfortably, I risk romantic/sexual isolation, I experience dysphoria in knowing I am not as fuckable as a cis, masculine-presenting queer man.

The complication of attraction and desire is already a hotly contested subject – vehemently fought against by the oppressive religious right and other sources of ignorance around the world. Some might say that discussing transmisogyny within queer and trans communities only divides and weakens the LGBT movement. We cannot feel like a legitimate part of a movement that treats us as undeserving of simple human desire. Despite this imbalance and lack of humanity, trans people started the movement and continue to fight for “gay rights”. As one of the largest known historical trans advocates in the US, Miss Major Griffin-Gracy, says, the T should come before LGB because of the vital role trans and GNC people play in LGBT movements. If anything, trans people deserve these discourses about attraction and desire. These can also lead to better understandings of our sexualities, desires, and general selves for creating radical change.

Here’s where I have some advice for the reader: if you’re a queer cis man and all you want is a ‘straight acting jock’, please expand your palette because I know how good I and other femmes are in bed. Trust me; you’re missing out. If you’re a femme or express feminine traits and can also relate to this struggle, know that I am there with you, and we will make ourselves visible, desirable and fuckable. We are here like everyone else and deserve the same love and desire they do. As Jacob Tobia, a GNC star on the rise, writes in an Instagram caption for Valentine’s Day 2018:

“This one’s for the bodies that are too unruly, too undisciplined to be touched
This one’s for the girls who are too unruly, too undisciplined to find a lover
This one’s for the boys who are too gentle, too kind to be desired
This one’s for the curves
And the bony bits
For the “misplaced” stubble
And the “misplaced” muscle
For the bodies aching for gentle touch
The souls aching for gentle words
The bodies aching for rough touch (but the right kind)
The souls aching for rough words (but the right kind)
For the girls too proud to be small for you
For the boys too proud to be cruel for you

It’s capitalism. What’s love got to do with it?
It’s fascism. What’s love got to do with it?
It’s marketing. What’s love got to do with it?
It’s mass culture, mass desire. What’s love got to do with it?
It’s the throbbing and pulsating of cis straight white men shoved down our collective throats. What’s love got to do with it?”